(1) Do they call it hard seltzer because it's hard to find?
What's with the lack of hard seltzer in the UK?
WHITE CLAW IS THE LAW. Just not part of immigration law I guess.
Let's talk about my search to find a suitable bevvy. It's worth noting that I'm writing this at 11AM on the Fourth of July, can in hand. It's my second time celebrating the US fucking off from the UK, while (whilst) un-fucking off back to the motherland.
Alcohol in the UK sucks in general. If you're thinking "the Brits are known for being drunks!" you aren't wrong. But, they're getting drunk on beer. It's even sold in thirds, halves, and two-thirds. Can a drunk not drink an entire pint? WTF? If you're a proper adult and want to get drunk on whisk(e)y, it's gonna cost you. A single here is 25mL. It's the law. In America, your bartender will round up to approximately one bucket of booze. The Germans? No speed limit, no tiny beers. The EU should have kicked the UK out, not the other way around.
WHITE CLAW IS THE LAW. Just not part of immigration law I guess.
Let's talk about my search to find a suitable bevvy. It's worth noting that I'm writing this at 11AM on the Fourth of July, can in hand. It's my second time celebrating the US fucking off from the UK, while (whilst) un-fucking off back to the motherland.
Alcohol in the UK sucks in general. If you're thinking "the Brits are known for being drunks!" you aren't wrong. But, they're getting drunk on beer. It's even sold in thirds, halves, and two-thirds. Can a drunk not drink an entire pint? WTF? If you're a proper adult and want to get drunk on whisk(e)y, it's gonna cost you. A single here is 25mL. It's the law. In America, your bartender will round up to approximately one bucket of booze. The Germans? No speed limit, no tiny beers. The EU should have kicked the UK out, not the other way around.
I guess I should add that the UK does have an impressive variety of gin. Everything from fresh cut shrubbery to sucking off a Christmas tree. Pass.
Anyway. 25mL in American is approximately one thimble's worth. A double is gonna set you back like £10, and you sure as shit aren't getting drunk on that. So let's talk about hard seltzer.
Anyway. 25mL in American is approximately one thimble's worth. A double is gonna set you back like £10, and you sure as shit aren't getting drunk on that. So let's talk about hard seltzer.
(2) What is hard seltzer?
It occurred to me that this may not be a universal thing. To quote some dude on Twitter, "La Croix taste like if you were drinking carbonated water and someone screamed out loud the name of a specific fruit in the other room." Add about 5% alcohol to that, and you have yourself a hard seltzer. No, it's not a weak vodka soda. No, it's not a spritzer. It's in its own category.
Think about it like this: you can't just rock up to lunch in the park with a bottle of vodka. I mean, I guess you could, but you probably won't. Beer is ToTaLlY cOoL and wine is cLaSsY, but vodka reeks of problem drinking. Now, pop that shit into a can with the ABV of beer and you're golden.
You know how people refer to booger tissues as Kleenex, or jelly lip stuff as ChapStick? That's what White Claw will be for hard seltzer in a few years. (For those of you reading this in the UK, pretend I gave the example of Hoovers or something.)
Think about it like this: you can't just rock up to lunch in the park with a bottle of vodka. I mean, I guess you could, but you probably won't. Beer is ToTaLlY cOoL and wine is cLaSsY, but vodka reeks of problem drinking. Now, pop that shit into a can with the ABV of beer and you're golden.
You know how people refer to booger tissues as Kleenex, or jelly lip stuff as ChapStick? That's what White Claw will be for hard seltzer in a few years. (For those of you reading this in the UK, pretend I gave the example of Hoovers or something.)
(3) Cookies taste good.
Privacy schmivacy. I'm glad Facebook knows everything about me. The cookie gods heard my plea and I was blessed with an ad for hard seltzer. The choices were delicious: cucumber, yuzu and rose-hibiscus. "Eff it, I'll order one case of each," thought the clever girl.
My 3 cases of Something & Nothing seltzer showed up on a weekday around noon. You can probably guess what happened next; I dove straight in for a scientific evaluation. The cucumber? Awesome. Me? Feeling great. I decide to go for a rose-hibiscus next. I check the label to see exactly how much alcohol I'm day drinking, and... THERE'S NO FUCKING ALCOHOL IN THESE THINGS. Yeah, I ordered 72 cans of actual water. I hallucinated the hard part of hard seltzer. I guess I will be coming in hot with a liter of vodka to the park after all.
It also turns out that these things aren't actually very low carb either, as the UK lists things per 100mL instead of... y'know, per can. It's a rant for another time, but why tf do nutrition labels in the UK require math (or, for our UK friends, maths)? Just tell me how much is in the damn thing without making me calculate it.
For the record, these things were pretty good. But buying 72 cans of expensive water still kind of sucks.
My 3 cases of Something & Nothing seltzer showed up on a weekday around noon. You can probably guess what happened next; I dove straight in for a scientific evaluation. The cucumber? Awesome. Me? Feeling great. I decide to go for a rose-hibiscus next. I check the label to see exactly how much alcohol I'm day drinking, and... THERE'S NO FUCKING ALCOHOL IN THESE THINGS. Yeah, I ordered 72 cans of actual water. I hallucinated the hard part of hard seltzer. I guess I will be coming in hot with a liter of vodka to the park after all.
It also turns out that these things aren't actually very low carb either, as the UK lists things per 100mL instead of... y'know, per can. It's a rant for another time, but why tf do nutrition labels in the UK require math (or, for our UK friends, maths)? Just tell me how much is in the damn thing without making me calculate it.
For the record, these things were pretty good. But buying 72 cans of expensive water still kind of sucks.
(4) The contingency plan.
For better or worse, buying something off the internet means you'll see excessively many ads for similar things (unless you wanna be that creep that browses exclusively in private tabs). So, I saw an ad for Mike's Hard Seltzer right after buying the stupid sugar waters. Boom, I'm in.
Black cherry is a very strong move. Why lime and lemon are two separate flavors, I couldn't tell ya. They could have been a bit more inventive there. But let's compare:
Mike's: 5% ABV, 2g carbs, 100kcal
White Claw: 4.5% ABV, 2g carbs, 95kcal
I'd say Mike's compares pretty well, though White Claw does has a better variety pack. Oh, and of course a better reputation. Mike's is for teenagers, White Claw is for grown ups. Something else Uncle Mike needs to work on is his packaging. It's stupid. Please don't give me an entire row of lime. I don't wanna be fist deep in fecking cans just trying to find the cherries.
Mike's: 5% ABV, 2g carbs, 100kcal
White Claw: 4.5% ABV, 2g carbs, 95kcal
I'd say Mike's compares pretty well, though White Claw does has a better variety pack. Oh, and of course a better reputation. Mike's is for teenagers, White Claw is for grown ups. Something else Uncle Mike needs to work on is his packaging. It's stupid. Please don't give me an entire row of lime. I don't wanna be fist deep in fecking cans just trying to find the cherries.
(5) For science.
If you've ever smelled kid makeup, it's like getting beat up by a strawberry. That's the only comparison I can think of to describe this next batch. Island Bay offers watermelon, strawberry, and mango. These flavors are pretty tasty in fruit form, but seem somewhat revolting in seltzer form. Regardless, I ordered 2 cases. For science, or whatever.
Things went downhill pretty fast here. For one, they used an entire industrial-sized roll of tape to secure each case. Luckily, I have a dedicated box opener, aka super sharp Cutco avocado knife (because let's be honest, I'm opening way more boxes than avocados these days). Problem is, it took the force required for 47 avocados to get through all the tape, which also got through a couple strawberries. Nothing like a psssssssssssssss and face full of kid makeup to expedite the testing.
As expected, the flavors weren't my favorite. The mango has a strange hint of popcorn, too. It's something that I just couldn't untaste after noticing it. But at 5% ABV and zero carbs, I'd say it's definitely drinkable. Hoooooowever, these are wee little lads at just 250mL. That's less than 9oz, or about 73% of a standard beer can. Just... why? Why can I not buy adult-sized drinks in the UK?!
As expected, the flavors weren't my favorite. The mango has a strange hint of popcorn, too. It's something that I just couldn't untaste after noticing it. But at 5% ABV and zero carbs, I'd say it's definitely drinkable. Hoooooowever, these are wee little lads at just 250mL. That's less than 9oz, or about 73% of a standard beer can. Just... why? Why can I not buy adult-sized drinks in the UK?!